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Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Video from 1/14/09
Well, i've got a connection from somebody else's port, and it's crappy, but it's here, so here it goes.
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Saturday, January 24, 2009
Bump in the road?
Well, in a project that has been full of little problems-
At the moment I do not have web access in my room in Beijing, so, although the room is lovely and everything here is great, I have to suspend for a few more days, after being off for three days due to travel.
But, I do think the project is going well, and its basic reasoning, to solidify connection to awareness and to try and explain this to others, has worked swimmingly.
Fortunately, all of these bumps have been taken in stride, and have helped me to deal with setbacks, knowing that they are all right, as long as your sights are set.
More later!
At the moment I do not have web access in my room in Beijing, so, although the room is lovely and everything here is great, I have to suspend for a few more days, after being off for three days due to travel.
But, I do think the project is going well, and its basic reasoning, to solidify connection to awareness and to try and explain this to others, has worked swimmingly.
Fortunately, all of these bumps have been taken in stride, and have helped me to deal with setbacks, knowing that they are all right, as long as your sights are set.
More later!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Videos from January 9th
Finally. Obviously, uploading has been slow. I've decided to tape as much as I can until I don't have the space to anymore, then upload space free, then start again. Even in China, though the intervals may be greater, I should be able to do this.
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Monday, January 12, 2009
Adjustments
Well, uploading continues to be slow, I am backlogged a few days, which means that I am taking this day (the 12th) off from taping, so that I can get everything fresh and clean again. I am also getting my web cam today, so we'll see if that takes any of the pressure off. It should, but it may not.
In any case, I've had to relax the taping even more than I had already, which is fine. I am thinking that in China, where my ability to upload will be even further diminished (very possibly, but hopefully not, crippled) that I may only tape six hours a day, or up to my battery capacity.
This is fine, although being on camera constantly has been good for me, anything is better than nothing, and if I can't upload onto the internet, the camera isn't as strong of a totem, I feel.
The bigger problem is that this then becomes a way of selecting what goes on and what stays off, and that goes very much against the point of the project. I am not selecting things for display within my life, I want to have a constant observation of it, of the goods and the bads, of the funs and the not-so-funs, etc. etc. Picking and choosing, I fear, will lead to several not-so-great things, mainly that it has the potential of adding another extra level of artificiality, when the idea is to strip artificiality away. But, we shall see.
The effort is what's most important, so as long as I'm earnest about doing it when I can to the best of my abilities, I see no problem with that.
Day by day, there's no other way to do it.
So, from now on, search for "adjustments," on the blog, and you'll get all the blogs that deal with changes to the original plan.
In any case, I've had to relax the taping even more than I had already, which is fine. I am thinking that in China, where my ability to upload will be even further diminished (very possibly, but hopefully not, crippled) that I may only tape six hours a day, or up to my battery capacity.
This is fine, although being on camera constantly has been good for me, anything is better than nothing, and if I can't upload onto the internet, the camera isn't as strong of a totem, I feel.
The bigger problem is that this then becomes a way of selecting what goes on and what stays off, and that goes very much against the point of the project. I am not selecting things for display within my life, I want to have a constant observation of it, of the goods and the bads, of the funs and the not-so-funs, etc. etc. Picking and choosing, I fear, will lead to several not-so-great things, mainly that it has the potential of adding another extra level of artificiality, when the idea is to strip artificiality away. But, we shall see.
The effort is what's most important, so as long as I'm earnest about doing it when I can to the best of my abilities, I see no problem with that.
Day by day, there's no other way to do it.
So, from now on, search for "adjustments," on the blog, and you'll get all the blogs that deal with changes to the original plan.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Video 1/08/09
The first day that I actually did anything. Check out the Library of Congress, National Botanical Gardens, and Obama passing by in his motorcade.
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Thursday, January 8, 2009
Video from 1/07/09
Uploading continues to suck. If there are blanks (numbers w/o anything else,) video is coming.
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Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Video From 1/06/09
Number 8:
Number 11:
More:
More:
More:
More:
More:
More:
so here are the first three from yesterday, the sixth, and other random ones that uploaded for whatever reason. Uploading is going really slowly, and I can't figure out how to make it go all night, which is trouble. When the rest are up, I'll put them up.
Hopefully, when I get a webcam that works better with my computer I can get it all to make sense.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Video from 1/05/09
Well, since it's pretty difficult to find the videos on google, I've decided just to post them all on the blog from google, which will be a pain, but okay, I suppose.
If this doesn't work, we'll go with something else. For today, they're all out of order. Not sure it matters.
If this doesn't work, we'll go with something else. For today, they're all out of order. Not sure it matters.
Summary of 1/5/09
There's the sensation of real discomfort at the idea that people might be watching this, and the sense that I screwed it up really badly. Although I think I could have explained this better, realistically I don't think it's so off.
But there's something really artificial about this that I can't put my finger on.
My eyebrows look really funny. This is going to be fun.
What do I get out of it?
You're right, Arjuna, the mind is restless and hard to master, but by constant practice and detachment it can be mastered in the end.
-The Bhagavad Gita, Translated by Stephen Mitchell.
A friend asked me what my goal was, what I hoped to accomplish with this, and I referred him to the first post, but I realized that the post didn't say much about it, b/c I hadn't really been thinking of it in terms of a goal. It is an experiment, and as such is more about seeing what happens if..., rather than heading directly at something. Nonetheless, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some aim in mind.
So first of all, the main idea is to help incubate awareness, or for those of you who don't meditate, to increase my access to the meditative state. The camera is a constant reminder of observation, and awareness. Forgetting it, i am quickly somewhat put off-guard when I see / think of it, and this helps me remember to relax into awareness.
Why is this important? In observation, what is unreal falls away, since it's not really there anyway. Very basically, we believe in things that are constructions, that are created by our minds, and this goes much deeper than people who don't meditate or who aren't philosophers imagine at first. The more and more awareness you allow into your life, the more and more layers of what is unreal fall off.
No matter what I do with my external life, I am earnestly committed to investigating the nature of my consciousness, because this is the only way to get what we're all looking for: complete peace, joy, happiness, call it what you will, there's no real word for it. Satisfaction, contentment. I understand that I will always ultimately be unfulfilled and unhappy should I not. So, to help me do this, the camera. It's a constant reminder.
But, of course, there's more. This is a psychological tool as well. For some reason, the seed of my psyche, or at least as deep as I have gotten so far, is deeply involved with the dance of needing people to watch me / acknowledge me // and shying away from people, needing to be alone. A friend advised me strongly against doing this, saying it was "psychologically immature," but I'm well aware of that. The question for me is, why do I want to do it, why is there a part of me that imagines that this project is "it," what is the (immature) desire to project myself into cyberspace?
I could use this opportunity to become didactic or preachy, that is a danger, just as, in going to China, I could have used the opportunity simply to escape from all of my problems in the U.S. and not deal with them. In China, I have been separated from the external problems, but instead of using that occasion to party, I used it to examine the root of my problems without their normal external triggers. So, the hope is, this project will go. It could be really unhealthy, but I don't think it will be. I think it will help me locate the source of those needs and fears, and expose them as ridiculous.
These two are intimately tied together. The psyche is ultimately unreal, b/c it is rooted in the belief of separation. Observation of what is leads to an understanding of the oneness of reality, and the dissolution of the belief / fear of a separate self. The two processes are mutually supporting. The less psyche in the way, the greater observation, the greater observation, the less psyche.
I am indulging myself, but, rather than say: okay, have it your way, let the world see how great and smart and funny etc. etc. you are, and have it come crashing down from that Mount Olympus to the deeps of self-loathing and darkness of the soul when people don't watch or respond badly, I'm thinking, and beginning to feel, that there wasn't any real fuss at all to begin with, and that's something I'm trying to experience, rather than simply intellectualize. At the start, as I (think) I wrote last night, I realized quickly that there was an idea I'd had about what I was going to do, akin to entertaining a friend (the camera,) and I quickly realized that wasn't right at all. Think less, intellectualize less. Given the perfect opportunity to think, intellectualize, preach, etc, I'm feeling that, as I stop acting for the camera, which makes me feel extremely awkward, I'm thinking and intellectualizing less and less.
Of course, there's a long time left, and we'll see how this goes.
-The Bhagavad Gita, Translated by Stephen Mitchell.
A friend asked me what my goal was, what I hoped to accomplish with this, and I referred him to the first post, but I realized that the post didn't say much about it, b/c I hadn't really been thinking of it in terms of a goal. It is an experiment, and as such is more about seeing what happens if..., rather than heading directly at something. Nonetheless, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some aim in mind.
So first of all, the main idea is to help incubate awareness, or for those of you who don't meditate, to increase my access to the meditative state. The camera is a constant reminder of observation, and awareness. Forgetting it, i am quickly somewhat put off-guard when I see / think of it, and this helps me remember to relax into awareness.
Why is this important? In observation, what is unreal falls away, since it's not really there anyway. Very basically, we believe in things that are constructions, that are created by our minds, and this goes much deeper than people who don't meditate or who aren't philosophers imagine at first. The more and more awareness you allow into your life, the more and more layers of what is unreal fall off.
No matter what I do with my external life, I am earnestly committed to investigating the nature of my consciousness, because this is the only way to get what we're all looking for: complete peace, joy, happiness, call it what you will, there's no real word for it. Satisfaction, contentment. I understand that I will always ultimately be unfulfilled and unhappy should I not. So, to help me do this, the camera. It's a constant reminder.
But, of course, there's more. This is a psychological tool as well. For some reason, the seed of my psyche, or at least as deep as I have gotten so far, is deeply involved with the dance of needing people to watch me / acknowledge me // and shying away from people, needing to be alone. A friend advised me strongly against doing this, saying it was "psychologically immature," but I'm well aware of that. The question for me is, why do I want to do it, why is there a part of me that imagines that this project is "it," what is the (immature) desire to project myself into cyberspace?
I could use this opportunity to become didactic or preachy, that is a danger, just as, in going to China, I could have used the opportunity simply to escape from all of my problems in the U.S. and not deal with them. In China, I have been separated from the external problems, but instead of using that occasion to party, I used it to examine the root of my problems without their normal external triggers. So, the hope is, this project will go. It could be really unhealthy, but I don't think it will be. I think it will help me locate the source of those needs and fears, and expose them as ridiculous.
These two are intimately tied together. The psyche is ultimately unreal, b/c it is rooted in the belief of separation. Observation of what is leads to an understanding of the oneness of reality, and the dissolution of the belief / fear of a separate self. The two processes are mutually supporting. The less psyche in the way, the greater observation, the greater observation, the less psyche.
I am indulging myself, but, rather than say: okay, have it your way, let the world see how great and smart and funny etc. etc. you are, and have it come crashing down from that Mount Olympus to the deeps of self-loathing and darkness of the soul when people don't watch or respond badly, I'm thinking, and beginning to feel, that there wasn't any real fuss at all to begin with, and that's something I'm trying to experience, rather than simply intellectualize. At the start, as I (think) I wrote last night, I realized quickly that there was an idea I'd had about what I was going to do, akin to entertaining a friend (the camera,) and I quickly realized that wasn't right at all. Think less, intellectualize less. Given the perfect opportunity to think, intellectualize, preach, etc, I'm feeling that, as I stop acting for the camera, which makes me feel extremely awkward, I'm thinking and intellectualizing less and less.
Of course, there's a long time left, and we'll see how this goes.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Serious Roadblocks.
Well, today kind of sucked.
I lost a battery that was just sitting in a box somehow.
My webcam does not work with my computer. (I still don't know what the hell I'm going to do about that.)
Uploading videos is extremely time-consuming. I have no idea how much worse it'll be in China.
And basically my camcorder doesn't work with a mac either, so that really really sucks, though I can use my computer as an interface between the web and my camcorder. still, would be nice to be able to edit videos from it. There's got to be someway.
Also, having toyed around with this for one day, I've realized that A)- there's really no reason for me to tape myself sleeping, since this isn't any longer primarily about surveillance and B)- As long as I am using the camera and this project to dig out what I want it to, i.e. as long as the camera is making me aware of itself and of my awareness of it, and as long as it continues to focus my attention on the oddity of wanting to do this, it's okay. As long as I am as faithful as possible to what I'm trying to do, it's not a big deal if I don't have a full year's worth of video at the end.
Also, I'm trying to find a balance between acting as if the camera isn't there and playing to it. Originally, I thought I'd be treating it like an audience, but I realized that's kind of the opposite of what I want to do. I don't need to speak or interact with it, and I don't think it's necessary for me to explain myself to it, though, since much of this idea came from reality TV, when I thought about what I'd be doing before I started I thought along those lines.
And yeah, it's taking a pretty seriously long time to upload things, which means that even if I upload all night and video all day... I won't make it. Right? I'll keep playing with it.
Oh, and YouTube is a bitch? I have to go with Google video.
One day over, sort of.
I lost a battery that was just sitting in a box somehow.
My webcam does not work with my computer. (I still don't know what the hell I'm going to do about that.)
Uploading videos is extremely time-consuming. I have no idea how much worse it'll be in China.
And basically my camcorder doesn't work with a mac either, so that really really sucks, though I can use my computer as an interface between the web and my camcorder. still, would be nice to be able to edit videos from it. There's got to be someway.
Also, having toyed around with this for one day, I've realized that A)- there's really no reason for me to tape myself sleeping, since this isn't any longer primarily about surveillance and B)- As long as I am using the camera and this project to dig out what I want it to, i.e. as long as the camera is making me aware of itself and of my awareness of it, and as long as it continues to focus my attention on the oddity of wanting to do this, it's okay. As long as I am as faithful as possible to what I'm trying to do, it's not a big deal if I don't have a full year's worth of video at the end.
Also, I'm trying to find a balance between acting as if the camera isn't there and playing to it. Originally, I thought I'd be treating it like an audience, but I realized that's kind of the opposite of what I want to do. I don't need to speak or interact with it, and I don't think it's necessary for me to explain myself to it, though, since much of this idea came from reality TV, when I thought about what I'd be doing before I started I thought along those lines.
And yeah, it's taking a pretty seriously long time to upload things, which means that even if I upload all night and video all day... I won't make it. Right? I'll keep playing with it.
Oh, and YouTube is a bitch? I have to go with Google video.
One day over, sort of.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
False Start.
Happy New Year!
I was planning on starting at the stroke of midnight, 2009. I started my camera, began to record, and freaked out. Not only did I feel totally awkward, partly perhaps because not entirely sober, but I also realized how egregious a violation I was making of others' privacy, others including some of my best friends. The environment was entirely different than I had imagined. Since I, and many of my friends, were sick, we had a quiet "family" gathering with around ten people. I had envisioned a more typical party, where lugging around a video camera would not have been an oddity. Add in Zombie Dick Clark, and I was fairly freaked.
I also had not yet received my webcam. But all of these were basically excuses. I was hesitant to put my best friends on the spot in such an awkward way.
I realized that I had avoided telling anybody about this not only because I didn't want any one to steal the idea (which, of course, turned out to be twenty years late anyway,) but because I just wanted to bull through with this damn the torpedoes, some of my stubbornness shining through.
Well, I have told everyone about it now, gotten some feedback (less than I expected, or wanted, which makes me think the majority of the 250 people I sent a warm holiday email to think that I'm entirely insane, which may be true) and am ready to go. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I'm beginning.
So there's that.
I was planning on starting at the stroke of midnight, 2009. I started my camera, began to record, and freaked out. Not only did I feel totally awkward, partly perhaps because not entirely sober, but I also realized how egregious a violation I was making of others' privacy, others including some of my best friends. The environment was entirely different than I had imagined. Since I, and many of my friends, were sick, we had a quiet "family" gathering with around ten people. I had envisioned a more typical party, where lugging around a video camera would not have been an oddity. Add in Zombie Dick Clark, and I was fairly freaked.
I also had not yet received my webcam. But all of these were basically excuses. I was hesitant to put my best friends on the spot in such an awkward way.
I realized that I had avoided telling anybody about this not only because I didn't want any one to steal the idea (which, of course, turned out to be twenty years late anyway,) but because I just wanted to bull through with this damn the torpedoes, some of my stubbornness shining through.
Well, I have told everyone about it now, gotten some feedback (less than I expected, or wanted, which makes me think the majority of the 250 people I sent a warm holiday email to think that I'm entirely insane, which may be true) and am ready to go. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I'm beginning.
So there's that.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Welcome to The Glass House
Beginning in the next few days, I will be videotaping my life 24 hours a day and putting it up on the internet, until the end of 2009.
This is an experiment, and its method is observation.
My reasons for doing so are myriad, and are enumerated here. These are all best understood perhaps as different emphases, and not separate areas of research.
1- Sousveillance. Although the reasons below are the mains reasons I chose to actually go through with this, the first glint of this idea came to me in response to a talk on YouTube by Naomi Wolf, author of "The End Of America." Warning about the potential slide American representative Democracy could and has been taking into fascism, Naomi Wolf talks of the Ten Concrete Steps that open governments take when heading into Statism (what she calls fascism, encompassing Communist-Statist coutries such as the U.S.S.R.) and as proof of one of them, (which could be either #7 Target Key Individuals, #8 Control the Press, or #9, Dissent=Treason) cites her being placed on the terrorist watch list for flights within the U.S. If you read her work (or even look at her) you'll see why this is entirely (worryingly, dangerously) political: this woman has a less than 0% chance of being / becoming a suicide bomber for whatever cause, let alone Islamo-fascism, nor does she have any chance of harboring any of these people, which is in any case irrelevant in an airport. Out of a paranoid worry that I would quickly become a target in any late-stage slide towards fascism as a dissenter or after the fact wuss-out, and out of a belief that has hardened in my two years living in China that surveillance is a) always in the long run unsuccessful and b) basically perverted no matter how noble its objectives appear at the time, contributing greatly to an unhealthy society, I decided to play the trickster and voluntarily turn the camera on myself as a subversive act against surveillance, as proof of my wholesome American activities.
I have to admit, Barack Obama being elected president has somewhat removed for me the urgency of doing this, though for all you Barack-boosters out there, I do not believe the situation has changed at all, at least not yet, and I certainly don't believe that we'll be able to say that America is in no danger of sliding into fascism until the steps taken in the directions Naomi Wolf has indicated are reversed. While Obama is a Democrat (and perhaps quite an exceptional one) and Bush's administration, which put into effect many of the troublesome policies taking steps towards fascist government (again, the Ten Steps link), was Republican, the engine / structure of the government, and the power accrued by it under Bush, has remained unchanged. The question is, can a president, during a national crisis and in the midst of two wars, not only resist exercising these powers and expanding them, but reject their validity once and for all, which would be necessary to ensure against future encroachment of fascism? As much of a supporter of the Idea of Barack Obama as I am, I still have to admit that we have precious little proof that he can, could, will, or would do any of this, things which I feel are necessary to maintain the last great hope of the world. Crises are the greatest opportunities for healthy change, but are also, and more commonly, the occasions of great collapses.
So I plan on surveillance of myself, to show just how (completely un-) dangerous dissent is.
2)- Openness.
In connection with the above, I believe that government in this day and age must be as open as possible to refrain from becoming repressive. But this is a subset of a larger belief, that openness leads to understanding and growth, while secrecy and exclusion leads to conflict, though there are exceptions. As I began to seriously consider doing this (about a month ago) I realized that the potential went well beyond being a statement about "The Open Society." What does it mean to be open with oneself, and how does an impassive and constantly observing presence change this?
After all, in a practical sense, how open can one get? The camera only has one lens, after all, and for all observation of habits, speech, and interaction, the camera will never be inside of my head, nor will it be able to actually take my viewpoint. It acts as a mediator between my subjective worldspace, the inter-subjective worldspace of the societies and cultures I inhabit, and the impassive and objective worldspace in the camera's lens. This is of great interest to me, and may be what I write about most, as there is a great catch-22 within.
Also, conflict is not necessarily unhealthy in a proximate sense. As an example, one becomes angry. Anger is usually considered a negative emotion, and for good reason. However, it is not anger itself that is negative, anger is a reaction coming out of something negative, that is, it is an indication of something negative within the angry person and their reaction to and relationship with the world, and is itself neutral. At this stage, expressing anger can be a positive, especially for somebody who usually directs that anger at his or herself, who eats it up, building up the pressure within. Anger expressed, however, even if by a person who is uncomfortable doing so, should always be accompanied with awareness of the anger, or an opportunity is missed to find the place the anger is coming from, where real progress can take place. Again, anger is the indication of something negative, and when it arises (it will) should be used as a flare is used to locate someone lost in the woods.
Another, larger example: Hitler. The healthy push towards peace and harmony can become quite a negative if it becomes a dogma: I will not fight, for it is wrong and ignorant. Some books have come out recently which basically take the stance that the allies in WWII did the wrong thing, a viewpoint which assumes that Hitler was a rational agent who would have been satisfied with a Central European empire. This is simply not true. Fighting Hitler itself was not a negative thing, far from it, in the larger scope it was beneficial to humanity, but was itself an indication of a pervasive cancer, which one could argue as being any number of things, including Hitler himself, the imbalance of the Versailles treaty, the tendency of people to ignore the shortcomings of their tribe and project them onto everyone else, etc. etc., and is likely best viewed as being something else which spawns all of these.
In any case, this project is mostly an exploration of the question, "what is openness, what does it mean to be open, and what demands / effects does this have on one's life?"
3) Observation -
Observation, because after all one is open in relation to something else. Understanding anything, being as broad as one's life or as narrow as the mating patterns of butterflies, begins with observation. Again, using the anger example, awareness of anger is not (train of thought) "I'm so angry, yeah, okay, I'm angry, I'm angry because he's so late, that jerk, I'm angry at him because he's late and inconsiderate, etc. etc." but "Wow, I'm really angry. Okay, I'm not going to get involved with it, I'm not going to encourage it, nor am I going to repress it, I'm just going to watch it. Where do I feel that anger, and why am I angry?" In observing oneself, especially with the experience of years, one finds that problems, issues, out-sized emotions, etc. tend to simply melt away with enough unattached observation. That is, without doing anything oneself but standing back from the problem, one watches the problem dissolve.
One point: the process of observation is un-attachment to action, not cessation of action. Obviously, we are all people, there are certain things we need to do in the world to survive, and so removing oneself from the world and simply observing is impossible (at least in the way most people would understand it.) But, observing one's actions, one finds that things happen naturally, in their own time, when they are ripe. One does not need the control one is so terrified of losing. As a very practical example, think of a baseball player. The more conscious control (i.e. conscious thinking) the player does at the plate waiting for a pitch to come in, the less likely it is that they're a successful hitter. Calming the mind and "zoning-in," one finds that one is unstoppable. Focusing and attaching oneself with conscious thought, one loses the ability to observe unattached. Anger gains momentum as you egg it on, rather than dissolving as you watch it.
4)- Practice / Growth
Observation is a practice. One might object, "yeah, but that batter above has practiced hitting a ball twenty-thousand times, if I get up there to hit and I'm not in control, there's no chance I'm going to hit the ball," and they would be right, except there's no chance of them hitting the ball in either case, thinking or not, so where's the control? Practice is key, it is only in the continued return to and application of observation, awareness, openness, that one makes what would be called "progress."
I have learned, over the last six years, how to observe myself and engage with my life, making the quality of my life over this time period infinitely better. I wish to teach this to others.
I, though, am of course not myself "done." I am still alive, after all. I have been practicing self-observation for several years, and, though I don't think it necessary to do this, I do think that bringing the indeterminate amount of possible eyes that the internet brings will help ratchet up the pressure, or energy, if you will, of observation. Again, this is not to make me act in a different way, though I will almost by definition, it's to emphasize the observation of how I am acting, in order to un-root the why, which is the only way to permanently dissolve unhealthy action, or, to make it irrelevant.
Further than this, the project takes several of my weaknesses and makes me act on them, and I think I'm ready to take them on, that is, look at them in the open. I went to China (my last project) to do several things for myself: one; as I went to learn Chinese, I knew I would have to learn how to sit down and study something, self-motivated, in a long-term sense, something I had never learned to do in high school or in college. I have been studying Chinese now for about three years, at an average of over one hour per day, every single day (i.e. some days I do no work, some days I do five hours of work) and I know this because I'm fairly proficient in Chinese at this point. Secondly, as a person who is uncomfortable in strange places and situations, I threw myself into the strangest and most foreign situation I possibly could, in a small town where no one knew my language and where I was stared at everyday as a complete walking-freak, and got used to it. I watched my uncomfortability and learned how to overcome it. Similarly, as a shy person (though some of you may be familiar with my alter-ego, the boisterous idiot, I have never been comfortable expressing myself openly to people I thought may not accept me for it, hence the over-bearing "funny loudmouth") I had to learn to approach unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar language to get by day-to-day.
So with the Glass House, I look directly at several of my weaknesses: the need to be one-hundred percent prepared before I can do anything / show anything to anybody; the desire for attention and validation from other people, and the attendant fear of being judged and dismissed; the inability to take a position on something and hold it, all the while poking at my ego for my root fears and obsessions, trying to unmask it, and them. In a similar vein, I want to experiment with the more concrete sense of the world and of myself I have found recently (a sense which is ironically less concrete, but tangibly so) continuing to refine my ideas under heavy weight, while making contact with people all over the world who are thinking about the same things I am, and who want to live their lives in the same way I do (I do not mean that strictly.)
a- the need to be 100% prepared before I can do anything / show anybody- obviously being live all the time puts me on the spot in a way that makes me fairly uncomfortable. I want to watch this uncomfortability, and find where it's coming from. Also, when thinking of this idea, I was imagining all the things I'd need to do and learn before it was possible, like learning how to put up a webpage, getting grant money for equipment and webspace, etc. etc., when I realized that I was trying to push it off, and make it impossible for myself to do, and that I could, practically, start it the next day. Being the end of the year, and still feeling some need to prepare a little bit, I decided to start at the beginning of the year. With blogging tools, youtube/google video, and facebook, I have basically all the things I need to get started, and the longer-term web plans can go under the aegis of The Open Project.
b-The desire for attention and validation from other people, and the attendant fear, being judged and dismissed. There's quite a lot in this knot. Basically, why do I feel the need to make everybody happy and have others agree with me not by winning arguments but by contorting and removing my own self from consideration, desiring others to condone what I do with myself, while at the same time needing to do the opposite of what is expected of me to somehow validate my worth, and, how is this quiet, desperate need tied up in my terrible fear of turning people off, of disrupting their world in some way, and of having them judge me or dismiss me? What's the root of these two related issues, (lack of tangible feeling of self-worth apparently?) and how can I dig it out?
c- the fear of making a solid statement- while I've gotten better at this over the last few years, I have a tendency to be wishy-washy, as if trying deliberately to agree with as many disparate viewpoints as possible, and so as not to make any one else feel unvalued. One of my best friends, last night (so, in the middle of my writing this post, oddly enough) made a statement about everybody, at some point in their life, basically making the decision as to what they believe in, and what message they're giving to everyone else, that, while it may be refined as they mature, basically remains as their core belief system for their life. I think that I've figured out what mine is, and how to help other people understand it, so that they (and I) can weigh it all together. Obviously, this ties into being judged as well, for what's more important to a person than what they feel is the truth? Most people don't want their worldview challenged, it makes people uncomfortable, and making people feel uncomfortable makes me extremely uncomfortable.
These are the major issues in my mind as I start this work that I would like to observe and explore.
This Glass House blog will also be a record of my practice, just what it is I do everyday and why, to give a practical example of what I'm talking about, and as a personal record to further refine my life practice.
5)- Lastly- I have been taking lots of pictures while home to show my girlfriend in Beijing what life is like in America, but I've realized that pictures really don't do it, but video would. This is going a little overboard with that, but it serves that purpose at well. Similarly, I'd like to share my experiences in China with my family and friends, and give something for my mom to look at so she doesn't pine away. This is obviously secondary, but nonetheless interesting.
Method:
This is pretty simple: videotape myself every day twenty-four hours a day, and then post those videos online. I will also be cutting a ten-minute or so "highlight" tape everyday. Videos will be posted with all appropriate haste.
I have defined "videotape myself" to mean that I will either be holding a camera to look at what I'm looking at (the world I'm in) or at myself / the contents of the room I am currently in. If I am at home, I will be using a webcam whose arrival I am waiting in the mail, and it will watch my bedroom. Outside of the webcam's eye, I will be carrying a small camcorder and downloading its contents onto my computer. If I am behind the camcorder, I will be no further than ten feet from it. I will also, if I am with a group of people, allow others to videotape the area, as long as they do not leave my proximity.
Exceptions: Any time I would be doing anything blatantly illegal by carrying a camcorder, or in official government buildings that do not allow camcorders, I will not be on. This includes movie theaters, the Chinese consulate in NYC (if I have to go there for my visa,) parts of the airport, etc. etc. Basically, I'm not trying to get arrested on purpose. I will, however, most likely be in stores that are not camcorder friendly. Should I be asked to turn the video off, I will have to leave. In addition, since I plan on making my living in China as an English teacher, I will be asking the permission of my students to broadcast, at the very least, my image of teaching to them, if they are not comfortable being on the record. I anticipate that this aspect will likely cause some friction at times.
In addition, should I attend a meditation retreat (a possibility) I will not be taping it.
Another notable exception: I am not broadcasting porn, obviously, even under the label of art, and so, although the camera will still be on during any moments of nudity / sexual behavior, it will not be pointed towards anyone. I am hoping this does not become terribly burdensome to my relationship with my gf.
Also, I have to tinker with battery life and memory. I believe I do not have enough battery life to last me the whole flight over to Beijing, and then the rest of the day until I get somewhere with an outlet. I have to watch this, but as of right now, I don't believe I will be taping continuously on the plane flight.
Concerns:
Beyond my concern that this is going to take up an extraordinary amount of time and effort, and beyond certain fears listed above (the fear of exposure, for example) I have a few other concerns. Firstly, I will be in China for much of this time. This makes things awkward for two reasons. One, my connections to basically all of the tools that I will be using during this project, including blogger, will likely have to pass through proxy websites, as several are blocked in China. This, beyond the pain in the butt it is in any case, will likely make uploading a serious hassle. And there'll be the hassle of the possibility of having whatever proxy sites I'm using blocked. The other concern is that I am doing something which may attract the attention of the wrong authorities as being a subversive act, which is, of course, one of the "are you kidding me" (that is, political paranoia and stupidity of power) reasons I thought this up in the first place, and that I could get deported for this. I believe this to be a slightly paranoid fear on my part, as I am not actually engaged in any subversive activities (which one can prove by simply watching what I do everyday) but, again, governments, especially authoritarian governments, are not rational.
Another concern is that the large majority of the people in my life, though they will not be on twenty-four/seven, will not want to be on camera at all in the least bit. This, of course, has the potential to be damaging to many of my relationships with friends, and even family. I am willing to accommodate these people by not pointing the camera at them at all while we're in social situations, though sound will still be recorded, and of course they always have the option not to speak to me or hang around with me for the year, though I hope it doesn't come to this.
Two more quick notes: when I originally thought of this I thought I was the first brilliant person to come up with it, and, of course, I am not. There are tens of thousands of people who are already doing this, and there may even be some who are trying to open the world up in the way I am. Research more here at wikipedia (another website blocked in China.) When I first saw this my heart sunk a little bit 'cause I thought I was onto something zeitgeist-big and first, but I realized that I was combining this idea with several other zeitgeist things, primarily awareness work, and what could be more in the spirit of the times than mash-ups?
This is the most difficult and frightening thing I have ever undertaken. I hope that, if you are interested, you will join me in practice, in discussion, or in any other way you wish.
Happy New Year!
This is an experiment, and its method is observation.
My reasons for doing so are myriad, and are enumerated here. These are all best understood perhaps as different emphases, and not separate areas of research.
1- Sousveillance. Although the reasons below are the mains reasons I chose to actually go through with this, the first glint of this idea came to me in response to a talk on YouTube by Naomi Wolf, author of "The End Of America." Warning about the potential slide American representative Democracy could and has been taking into fascism, Naomi Wolf talks of the Ten Concrete Steps that open governments take when heading into Statism (what she calls fascism, encompassing Communist-Statist coutries such as the U.S.S.R.) and as proof of one of them, (which could be either #7 Target Key Individuals, #8 Control the Press, or #9, Dissent=Treason) cites her being placed on the terrorist watch list for flights within the U.S. If you read her work (or even look at her) you'll see why this is entirely (worryingly, dangerously) political: this woman has a less than 0% chance of being / becoming a suicide bomber for whatever cause, let alone Islamo-fascism, nor does she have any chance of harboring any of these people, which is in any case irrelevant in an airport. Out of a paranoid worry that I would quickly become a target in any late-stage slide towards fascism as a dissenter or after the fact wuss-out, and out of a belief that has hardened in my two years living in China that surveillance is a) always in the long run unsuccessful and b) basically perverted no matter how noble its objectives appear at the time, contributing greatly to an unhealthy society, I decided to play the trickster and voluntarily turn the camera on myself as a subversive act against surveillance, as proof of my wholesome American activities.
I have to admit, Barack Obama being elected president has somewhat removed for me the urgency of doing this, though for all you Barack-boosters out there, I do not believe the situation has changed at all, at least not yet, and I certainly don't believe that we'll be able to say that America is in no danger of sliding into fascism until the steps taken in the directions Naomi Wolf has indicated are reversed. While Obama is a Democrat (and perhaps quite an exceptional one) and Bush's administration, which put into effect many of the troublesome policies taking steps towards fascist government (again, the Ten Steps link), was Republican, the engine / structure of the government, and the power accrued by it under Bush, has remained unchanged. The question is, can a president, during a national crisis and in the midst of two wars, not only resist exercising these powers and expanding them, but reject their validity once and for all, which would be necessary to ensure against future encroachment of fascism? As much of a supporter of the Idea of Barack Obama as I am, I still have to admit that we have precious little proof that he can, could, will, or would do any of this, things which I feel are necessary to maintain the last great hope of the world. Crises are the greatest opportunities for healthy change, but are also, and more commonly, the occasions of great collapses.
So I plan on surveillance of myself, to show just how (completely un-) dangerous dissent is.
2)- Openness.
In connection with the above, I believe that government in this day and age must be as open as possible to refrain from becoming repressive. But this is a subset of a larger belief, that openness leads to understanding and growth, while secrecy and exclusion leads to conflict, though there are exceptions. As I began to seriously consider doing this (about a month ago) I realized that the potential went well beyond being a statement about "The Open Society." What does it mean to be open with oneself, and how does an impassive and constantly observing presence change this?
After all, in a practical sense, how open can one get? The camera only has one lens, after all, and for all observation of habits, speech, and interaction, the camera will never be inside of my head, nor will it be able to actually take my viewpoint. It acts as a mediator between my subjective worldspace, the inter-subjective worldspace of the societies and cultures I inhabit, and the impassive and objective worldspace in the camera's lens. This is of great interest to me, and may be what I write about most, as there is a great catch-22 within.
Also, conflict is not necessarily unhealthy in a proximate sense. As an example, one becomes angry. Anger is usually considered a negative emotion, and for good reason. However, it is not anger itself that is negative, anger is a reaction coming out of something negative, that is, it is an indication of something negative within the angry person and their reaction to and relationship with the world, and is itself neutral. At this stage, expressing anger can be a positive, especially for somebody who usually directs that anger at his or herself, who eats it up, building up the pressure within. Anger expressed, however, even if by a person who is uncomfortable doing so, should always be accompanied with awareness of the anger, or an opportunity is missed to find the place the anger is coming from, where real progress can take place. Again, anger is the indication of something negative, and when it arises (it will) should be used as a flare is used to locate someone lost in the woods.
Another, larger example: Hitler. The healthy push towards peace and harmony can become quite a negative if it becomes a dogma: I will not fight, for it is wrong and ignorant. Some books have come out recently which basically take the stance that the allies in WWII did the wrong thing, a viewpoint which assumes that Hitler was a rational agent who would have been satisfied with a Central European empire. This is simply not true. Fighting Hitler itself was not a negative thing, far from it, in the larger scope it was beneficial to humanity, but was itself an indication of a pervasive cancer, which one could argue as being any number of things, including Hitler himself, the imbalance of the Versailles treaty, the tendency of people to ignore the shortcomings of their tribe and project them onto everyone else, etc. etc., and is likely best viewed as being something else which spawns all of these.
In any case, this project is mostly an exploration of the question, "what is openness, what does it mean to be open, and what demands / effects does this have on one's life?"
3) Observation -
Observation, because after all one is open in relation to something else. Understanding anything, being as broad as one's life or as narrow as the mating patterns of butterflies, begins with observation. Again, using the anger example, awareness of anger is not (train of thought) "I'm so angry, yeah, okay, I'm angry, I'm angry because he's so late, that jerk, I'm angry at him because he's late and inconsiderate, etc. etc." but "Wow, I'm really angry. Okay, I'm not going to get involved with it, I'm not going to encourage it, nor am I going to repress it, I'm just going to watch it. Where do I feel that anger, and why am I angry?" In observing oneself, especially with the experience of years, one finds that problems, issues, out-sized emotions, etc. tend to simply melt away with enough unattached observation. That is, without doing anything oneself but standing back from the problem, one watches the problem dissolve.
One point: the process of observation is un-attachment to action, not cessation of action. Obviously, we are all people, there are certain things we need to do in the world to survive, and so removing oneself from the world and simply observing is impossible (at least in the way most people would understand it.) But, observing one's actions, one finds that things happen naturally, in their own time, when they are ripe. One does not need the control one is so terrified of losing. As a very practical example, think of a baseball player. The more conscious control (i.e. conscious thinking) the player does at the plate waiting for a pitch to come in, the less likely it is that they're a successful hitter. Calming the mind and "zoning-in," one finds that one is unstoppable. Focusing and attaching oneself with conscious thought, one loses the ability to observe unattached. Anger gains momentum as you egg it on, rather than dissolving as you watch it.
4)- Practice / Growth
Observation is a practice. One might object, "yeah, but that batter above has practiced hitting a ball twenty-thousand times, if I get up there to hit and I'm not in control, there's no chance I'm going to hit the ball," and they would be right, except there's no chance of them hitting the ball in either case, thinking or not, so where's the control? Practice is key, it is only in the continued return to and application of observation, awareness, openness, that one makes what would be called "progress."
I have learned, over the last six years, how to observe myself and engage with my life, making the quality of my life over this time period infinitely better. I wish to teach this to others.
I, though, am of course not myself "done." I am still alive, after all. I have been practicing self-observation for several years, and, though I don't think it necessary to do this, I do think that bringing the indeterminate amount of possible eyes that the internet brings will help ratchet up the pressure, or energy, if you will, of observation. Again, this is not to make me act in a different way, though I will almost by definition, it's to emphasize the observation of how I am acting, in order to un-root the why, which is the only way to permanently dissolve unhealthy action, or, to make it irrelevant.
Further than this, the project takes several of my weaknesses and makes me act on them, and I think I'm ready to take them on, that is, look at them in the open. I went to China (my last project) to do several things for myself: one; as I went to learn Chinese, I knew I would have to learn how to sit down and study something, self-motivated, in a long-term sense, something I had never learned to do in high school or in college. I have been studying Chinese now for about three years, at an average of over one hour per day, every single day (i.e. some days I do no work, some days I do five hours of work) and I know this because I'm fairly proficient in Chinese at this point. Secondly, as a person who is uncomfortable in strange places and situations, I threw myself into the strangest and most foreign situation I possibly could, in a small town where no one knew my language and where I was stared at everyday as a complete walking-freak, and got used to it. I watched my uncomfortability and learned how to overcome it. Similarly, as a shy person (though some of you may be familiar with my alter-ego, the boisterous idiot, I have never been comfortable expressing myself openly to people I thought may not accept me for it, hence the over-bearing "funny loudmouth") I had to learn to approach unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar language to get by day-to-day.
So with the Glass House, I look directly at several of my weaknesses: the need to be one-hundred percent prepared before I can do anything / show anything to anybody; the desire for attention and validation from other people, and the attendant fear of being judged and dismissed; the inability to take a position on something and hold it, all the while poking at my ego for my root fears and obsessions, trying to unmask it, and them. In a similar vein, I want to experiment with the more concrete sense of the world and of myself I have found recently (a sense which is ironically less concrete, but tangibly so) continuing to refine my ideas under heavy weight, while making contact with people all over the world who are thinking about the same things I am, and who want to live their lives in the same way I do (I do not mean that strictly.)
a- the need to be 100% prepared before I can do anything / show anybody- obviously being live all the time puts me on the spot in a way that makes me fairly uncomfortable. I want to watch this uncomfortability, and find where it's coming from. Also, when thinking of this idea, I was imagining all the things I'd need to do and learn before it was possible, like learning how to put up a webpage, getting grant money for equipment and webspace, etc. etc., when I realized that I was trying to push it off, and make it impossible for myself to do, and that I could, practically, start it the next day. Being the end of the year, and still feeling some need to prepare a little bit, I decided to start at the beginning of the year. With blogging tools, youtube/google video, and facebook, I have basically all the things I need to get started, and the longer-term web plans can go under the aegis of The Open Project.
b-The desire for attention and validation from other people, and the attendant fear, being judged and dismissed. There's quite a lot in this knot. Basically, why do I feel the need to make everybody happy and have others agree with me not by winning arguments but by contorting and removing my own self from consideration, desiring others to condone what I do with myself, while at the same time needing to do the opposite of what is expected of me to somehow validate my worth, and, how is this quiet, desperate need tied up in my terrible fear of turning people off, of disrupting their world in some way, and of having them judge me or dismiss me? What's the root of these two related issues, (lack of tangible feeling of self-worth apparently?) and how can I dig it out?
c- the fear of making a solid statement- while I've gotten better at this over the last few years, I have a tendency to be wishy-washy, as if trying deliberately to agree with as many disparate viewpoints as possible, and so as not to make any one else feel unvalued. One of my best friends, last night (so, in the middle of my writing this post, oddly enough) made a statement about everybody, at some point in their life, basically making the decision as to what they believe in, and what message they're giving to everyone else, that, while it may be refined as they mature, basically remains as their core belief system for their life. I think that I've figured out what mine is, and how to help other people understand it, so that they (and I) can weigh it all together. Obviously, this ties into being judged as well, for what's more important to a person than what they feel is the truth? Most people don't want their worldview challenged, it makes people uncomfortable, and making people feel uncomfortable makes me extremely uncomfortable.
These are the major issues in my mind as I start this work that I would like to observe and explore.
This Glass House blog will also be a record of my practice, just what it is I do everyday and why, to give a practical example of what I'm talking about, and as a personal record to further refine my life practice.
5)- Lastly- I have been taking lots of pictures while home to show my girlfriend in Beijing what life is like in America, but I've realized that pictures really don't do it, but video would. This is going a little overboard with that, but it serves that purpose at well. Similarly, I'd like to share my experiences in China with my family and friends, and give something for my mom to look at so she doesn't pine away. This is obviously secondary, but nonetheless interesting.
Method:
This is pretty simple: videotape myself every day twenty-four hours a day, and then post those videos online. I will also be cutting a ten-minute or so "highlight" tape everyday. Videos will be posted with all appropriate haste.
I have defined "videotape myself" to mean that I will either be holding a camera to look at what I'm looking at (the world I'm in) or at myself / the contents of the room I am currently in. If I am at home, I will be using a webcam whose arrival I am waiting in the mail, and it will watch my bedroom. Outside of the webcam's eye, I will be carrying a small camcorder and downloading its contents onto my computer. If I am behind the camcorder, I will be no further than ten feet from it. I will also, if I am with a group of people, allow others to videotape the area, as long as they do not leave my proximity.
Exceptions: Any time I would be doing anything blatantly illegal by carrying a camcorder, or in official government buildings that do not allow camcorders, I will not be on. This includes movie theaters, the Chinese consulate in NYC (if I have to go there for my visa,) parts of the airport, etc. etc. Basically, I'm not trying to get arrested on purpose. I will, however, most likely be in stores that are not camcorder friendly. Should I be asked to turn the video off, I will have to leave. In addition, since I plan on making my living in China as an English teacher, I will be asking the permission of my students to broadcast, at the very least, my image of teaching to them, if they are not comfortable being on the record. I anticipate that this aspect will likely cause some friction at times.
In addition, should I attend a meditation retreat (a possibility) I will not be taping it.
Another notable exception: I am not broadcasting porn, obviously, even under the label of art, and so, although the camera will still be on during any moments of nudity / sexual behavior, it will not be pointed towards anyone. I am hoping this does not become terribly burdensome to my relationship with my gf.
Also, I have to tinker with battery life and memory. I believe I do not have enough battery life to last me the whole flight over to Beijing, and then the rest of the day until I get somewhere with an outlet. I have to watch this, but as of right now, I don't believe I will be taping continuously on the plane flight.
Concerns:
Beyond my concern that this is going to take up an extraordinary amount of time and effort, and beyond certain fears listed above (the fear of exposure, for example) I have a few other concerns. Firstly, I will be in China for much of this time. This makes things awkward for two reasons. One, my connections to basically all of the tools that I will be using during this project, including blogger, will likely have to pass through proxy websites, as several are blocked in China. This, beyond the pain in the butt it is in any case, will likely make uploading a serious hassle. And there'll be the hassle of the possibility of having whatever proxy sites I'm using blocked. The other concern is that I am doing something which may attract the attention of the wrong authorities as being a subversive act, which is, of course, one of the "are you kidding me" (that is, political paranoia and stupidity of power) reasons I thought this up in the first place, and that I could get deported for this. I believe this to be a slightly paranoid fear on my part, as I am not actually engaged in any subversive activities (which one can prove by simply watching what I do everyday) but, again, governments, especially authoritarian governments, are not rational.
Another concern is that the large majority of the people in my life, though they will not be on twenty-four/seven, will not want to be on camera at all in the least bit. This, of course, has the potential to be damaging to many of my relationships with friends, and even family. I am willing to accommodate these people by not pointing the camera at them at all while we're in social situations, though sound will still be recorded, and of course they always have the option not to speak to me or hang around with me for the year, though I hope it doesn't come to this.
Two more quick notes: when I originally thought of this I thought I was the first brilliant person to come up with it, and, of course, I am not. There are tens of thousands of people who are already doing this, and there may even be some who are trying to open the world up in the way I am. Research more here at wikipedia (another website blocked in China.) When I first saw this my heart sunk a little bit 'cause I thought I was onto something zeitgeist-big and first, but I realized that I was combining this idea with several other zeitgeist things, primarily awareness work, and what could be more in the spirit of the times than mash-ups?
This is the most difficult and frightening thing I have ever undertaken. I hope that, if you are interested, you will join me in practice, in discussion, or in any other way you wish.
Happy New Year!
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