What do I get out of it?

You're right, Arjuna, the mind is restless and hard to master, but by constant practice and detachment it can be mastered in the end.

-The Bhagavad Gita, Translated by Stephen Mitchell.

A friend asked me what my goal was, what I hoped to accomplish with this, and I referred him to the first post, but I realized that the post didn't say much about it, b/c I hadn't really been thinking of it in terms of a goal. It is an experiment, and as such is more about seeing what happens if..., rather than heading directly at something. Nonetheless, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some aim in mind.

So first of all, the main idea is to help incubate awareness, or for those of you who don't meditate, to increase my access to the meditative state. The camera is a constant reminder of observation, and awareness. Forgetting it, i am quickly somewhat put off-guard when I see / think of it, and this helps me remember to relax into awareness.

Why is this important? In observation, what is unreal falls away, since it's not really there anyway. Very basically, we believe in things that are constructions, that are created by our minds, and this goes much deeper than people who don't meditate or who aren't philosophers imagine at first. The more and more awareness you allow into your life, the more and more layers of what is unreal fall off.

No matter what I do with my external life, I am earnestly committed to investigating the nature of my consciousness, because this is the only way to get what we're all looking for: complete peace, joy, happiness, call it what you will, there's no real word for it. Satisfaction, contentment. I understand that I will always ultimately be unfulfilled and unhappy should I not. So, to help me do this, the camera. It's a constant reminder.

But, of course, there's more. This is a psychological tool as well. For some reason, the seed of my psyche, or at least as deep as I have gotten so far, is deeply involved with the dance of needing people to watch me / acknowledge me // and shying away from people, needing to be alone. A friend advised me strongly against doing this, saying it was "psychologically immature," but I'm well aware of that. The question for me is, why do I want to do it, why is there a part of me that imagines that this project is "it," what is the (immature) desire to project myself into cyberspace?

I could use this opportunity to become didactic or preachy, that is a danger, just as, in going to China, I could have used the opportunity simply to escape from all of my problems in the U.S. and not deal with them. In China, I have been separated from the external problems, but instead of using that occasion to party, I used it to examine the root of my problems without their normal external triggers. So, the hope is, this project will go. It could be really unhealthy, but I don't think it will be. I think it will help me locate the source of those needs and fears, and expose them as ridiculous.

These two are intimately tied together. The psyche is ultimately unreal, b/c it is rooted in the belief of separation. Observation of what is leads to an understanding of the oneness of reality, and the dissolution of the belief / fear of a separate self. The two processes are mutually supporting. The less psyche in the way, the greater observation, the greater observation, the less psyche.

I am indulging myself, but, rather than say: okay, have it your way, let the world see how great and smart and funny etc. etc. you are, and have it come crashing down from that Mount Olympus to the deeps of self-loathing and darkness of the soul when people don't watch or respond badly, I'm thinking, and beginning to feel, that there wasn't any real fuss at all to begin with, and that's something I'm trying to experience, rather than simply intellectualize. At the start, as I (think) I wrote last night, I realized quickly that there was an idea I'd had about what I was going to do, akin to entertaining a friend (the camera,) and I quickly realized that wasn't right at all. Think less, intellectualize less. Given the perfect opportunity to think, intellectualize, preach, etc, I'm feeling that, as I stop acting for the camera, which makes me feel extremely awkward, I'm thinking and intellectualizing less and less.

Of course, there's a long time left, and we'll see how this goes.